Everybody Comes To Heisenberg's
by Dan Sickles
Summary: The greatest TV show of all time has all the romance, drama, and intrigue of the greatest movie of all time. (That's CASABLANCA of course!) But what if they were really the same story? Rated T for some violence and brief sexual references. Please comment nicely!


EVERYBODY COMES TO HEISENBERG'S

 _The greatest TV show of all time has all the romance, drama, and intrigue of the greatest movie of all time. What if they were really the same story? Please comment nicely!_

OLD FASHIONED, IMPORTANT-SOUNDING NARRATOR: With the coming of Donald Trump, many eyes in America turn hopefully – or desperately – to New Mexico. Albuquerque becomes the center of resistance to Trump, the center of hope for immigrants in danger of ruthless destruction by the corrupt and brutal agents of the law. But, even in Albuquerque, not everyone can resist Donald Trump without powerful illegal drugs. The right people with the right connections go to Heisenberg's. There through influence, or luck, the chosen few can find entry to America, or exit visas to Europe, or even just a taste of the world's best crystal meth. The rest sit outside, and wait. And wait. And wait . . .

SAUL GOODMAN: Tell me, Walter. Why did a brilliant scientist like you come to a dead-end city like Albuquerque?

WALTER WHITE: For my health. I came to Albuquerque for the waters.

SAUL GOODMAN: Waters? Big guy, there are no waters here. We're in the desert!

WALTER WHITE: I was misinformed.

( _A huge passenger plane zooms in low overhead_.)

SG: Man, I wish that bird went down like the one last week. I could make a fortune on class action lawsuits! That reminds me, Walt. There's an important visitor on that plane. Eliot Lazlo, head of the Anti-Trump Resistance. And his wife.

WW: ( _Stirred by romantic memories_ ) Eliot Lazlo?

SG: Walt, this is the first time I've seen you so impressed.

WW: Well, Eliot Lazlo and his wife Gretchen have succeeded in impressing half the world.

SG: (Oily smile) Right, well, it's my job to make sure they don't succeed in impressing the other half. Your head-bashing brother in law, Major Schrader of the Fourth Reich no less, expects swift and brutal results. That reminds me, my guys are going to make an arrest in your place tonight. Let's go inside, and catch all the action from the front row!

LUSTFUL LYDIA: (breathless and eager) Where were you last night?

WALTER WHITE: That's so long ago I don't remember.

LL: Will I see you tonight?

WW: I never plan that far ahead.

LL: What a fool I was to fall for a man like you. Did you put something in my tea? I mean I am not, by any stretch of the imagination, a passionate woman. I'm precisely the opposite. But lately I just want sex all the time. All . . . the . . . time!

WW: Todd, why don't you take a break from cooking meth and take Miss Lydia home? She's had a little too much tea.

TODD: (Sees the chance of a lifetime) Yes, boss!

WW: And come right back.

TODD: (And it goes right down the drain) Yes, boss.

SKINNY PETE: Hey, Mr. White! I mean, Mr. Heisenberg. Jesse said I should see you about stashing these, uh, bitching letters of transit I've got. With these you can get in or out of America any time, no questions asked. Even if you're like, wanted by the government!

WW: You can hide them in Jesse's expensive sound system. But I don't want them here overnight.

SP: No problem, Mr. H! I know you probably like, despise me, and all that. But I'll be selling those letters in an hour, and then, good-bye Albuquerque! So now that I've stashed my stuff, I think I'll go get high. Just one last time, you dig?

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

HANK SCHRADER: Die, junkie pig! Die, greasy degenerate! God, I love watching their faces explode when I pump cheap, low-class junkies full of lead. Oh hey, Walt. How's the club going?

WW: Can't complain, Hank. Since Skyler took the kids and left Albuquerque Heisenberg's is the hottest night spot in town. We get all kinds of glamorous and famous people!

HS: Walt, I'm glad you brought that up. That anti-Trump punk Eliot Lazlo and his wife are in town. If they come to Heisenberg's, how about you help us bring them down?

WW: Well, my interest in whether Eliot Lazlo stays or goes is purely a sporting one. I bet Saul Goodman ten thousand dollars you'd shoot the CEO of Gray Matter right in the face!

HS: (Laughs like a jackass and pounds WALT on the back.) That's the spirit, little buddy. Hey, here come those two glamorous jet-setting traitors right now. I think I'll lurk in the shadows with Jack and his tattooed band of jailhouse Nazis while you work on setting up the fugitives.

WW: Hank, are you really friends with Jack's gang? I thought they raped and murdered your wife Marie just last week.

HH: Yeah, they did that. But they're pro-Trump! And they helped me get rid of my greasy little Mexican partner, Gomez. It's about time we canned that diversity crap and got a few white men on the DEA!

GRETCHEN LAZLO: Hello, Jesse. I see you've learned to play the piano. Have you seen Walter White tonight?

JESSE PINKMAN: No, ma'am. I didn't learn the piano. Mr. White just bought this old-time piano so I could sit here and like fake it while the sound system plays in the background. And no, I haven't seen Mr. White. He hasn't been around all night. He's like, into his family and stuff.

GL: But I thought his wife and children left him after he became a glamorous drug kingpin and club owner?

JP: Well, no. Actually he killed his wife for being a nag and not supporting him. And his boy and girl like, died of an illness. But these days he, like, visits their graves constantly and brings flowers and stuff. He's totally grief-stricken.

GL: You used to be a much better liar, Jesse.

JP: Leave him alone, Miss Gretchen. You're bad luck to him!

GL: Play it, Jesse.

JP: I don't know what you mean, ma'am. I'm like, totally faking when I sit here at the piano. I'm just here to be like, eye candy for the chicks. I just look major cool, yo!

GL: Play it, Jesse. Play "As Time Goes By."

JP: See, I'm moving my hands, yo, but the music is coming from the sound system where we hide uh, important stuff!

GL: Sing it, Jesse. Sing it one more time.

JP: (Sings and fakes along on piano with romantic feeling)

 _When guys cook crystal meth,_

 _It only leads to death,_

 _Or losers getting high_

 _The price of drug abuse is high,_

 _As time goes by._

 _But guys like Mr. White,_

 _Who still know wrong from right,_

 _Will never truly die_

 _And love will conquer getting high,_

 _As time goes by._

WALTER WHITE: (Comes striding up to the piano, full of pain and anger) Jesse, I thought I told you never to play that song! I thought I gave strict instructions, just like not leaving the keys in the RV when we're out of water in the desert!

GRETCHEN LAZLO: (Smiles bravely through her tears as Jesse scuttles away to get high) Hello, Walt.

SAUL GOODMAN: Well, you were asking about the legendary Heisenberg, and here he is! Walt, this is Eliot Lazlo, the fabulously wealthy genius behind Gray Matter and the head of the Anti-Trump resistance. And this powerful and intelligent woman is his charming wife, Gretchen . . . but I see you two have already met.

WW: (Gruffly) I . . . we used to be business partners.

ELIOT LAZLO: All three of us used to be business partners! Walter White is the only true genius I've ever known. That's why we came to Albuquerque, Walt. Only a genius like you can help us escape to Europe, and raise the cash we need to bring down Donald Trump.

WW: (Talking only to Gretchen!) Is that the only reason you came to Albuquerque?

GL: (firmly) Yes, Walt. That's the only reason. But I enjoyed hearing Jesse play the piano. There's still no one who can make up goofy lyrics to "As Time Goes By" like Jesse.

WW: He hasn't played it in a long time.

SG: Yeah, well, the life-time expectancy of small-time drug dealers is pretty short. Speaking of that, Walt, Eliot here was just asking about one of Jesse's old compadres, Skinny Pete. The kid was supposed to sell him some letters of transit, and now the letters have vanished. Strange, huh?

WW: My brother-in-law, Major Hank Schrader, shot Skinny Pete in the face five times not more than an hour ago. The letters of transit have disappeared, but I wouldn't look for them. Hank is with the Nazis now, and the Nazis are all big Trump supporters. He'll probably do much worse to anyone who tries to help the two of you get out of Albuquerque.

EL: But you're not afraid, are you Walt? You're the bravest guy in the world, and the guy with the biggest heart! That's what Gretchen says every time we make love for hours in our fabulous mansion that we built with your genius ideas. You'll help us escape from Albuquerque, won't you?

GL: (Embarrassed) Don't do it for us, Walt. Think what it means for America. Think what it means for the entire world!

WW: I stick my neck out for no-one. I am the one who knocks. The problems of the world are not in my department!

EL: Gretchen, I don't wish to be the one to say it, but it's late. Let's go back to our hotel room and make love for hours while Walt sits alone and thinks about the old days.

JESSE PINKMAN: Yo, Mr. White, what time is it?

WALTER WHITE: Get up, Jesse! Get up and play it!

JP: I keep telling people, I don't know how to play . . .

WW: Well, fake it, dammit! You're a drug dealer . . . improvise!

JP: (Sings very softly) You must remember this . . .

WW: They shoot Skinny Pete and she walks in. Well, that's the way it goes, I guess. One in and one out.

JP: A kiss is still a kiss . . .

WW: Of all the meth labs in all the cities of the world, she walks into mine. Jesse, what time is it in New York City? I bet they're getting high in New York. I bet they're getting high all over America. She's coming back, I know she's coming back!

JP: Mr. White, let's get out of here! We'll take the RV and drive all night. We'll get high. We'll play laser tag! We'll start a cook and not take our masks off till she's gone!

GRETCHEN LAZLO: (emerges from the shadows, looking radiant) Hello again, Walt.

SAUL GOODMAN: Look, Eliot, there's nothing to worry about. Walt called me first thing this morning and told me he's got your letters of transit. You can pick them up at Heisenberg's right away. Come on, let me give you a lift!

ELIOT LAZLO: (Doubtful) I . . . well, I'm grateful of course. But last night Walt seemed so cynical and bitter. He never used to be like that, not back when we were all partners. Back before Gretchen and I . . .

WALTER WHITE: Good morning, Eliot. The letters of transit are all here, stamped and ready. Gretchen and I were just talking about how much good you can do in Europe!

GRETCHEN LAZLO: (A little dazed) It's everything we dreamed of, Eliot. A chance to save the world.

EL: That sounds great! And we can have sex in all those fabulous European cities, too. Let me have those letters of transit, Walt. And here's some money from Gray Matter that I never would have made if it wasn't for your genius ideas!

SG: (Pouncing just as the money changes hands) Eliot Lazlo, I arrest you for anti-Trump activities, drug trafficking, and treason! Are you shocked, Mr. Yuppie Scumbag Boy Billionaire? Well, there's a very simple explanation. Love, it seems, has triumphed over virtue!

WW: (Holding his .38 down low under his coat like the one who knocks) Slight change of plans, Saul. Call the airport. Mr. and Mrs. Lazlo will be leaving ABQ on the next flight out. And remember this gun is pointed right at your heart.

SG: That is my least vulnerable spot! (Obeys, but only after secretly texting Major Hank Schrader and warning him)

ELIOT LAZLO: Wow, here we are at the world-famous Albuquerque airport. Walt, I can't thank you enough for what you did.

WALTER WHITE: Save it, we still have a lot to do. Saul, why take the bags onto the plane. Tell them to hold on till Mr. and Mrs. Lazlo are ready to board.

GRETCHEN LAZLO: Mr. and Mrs. Lazlo? But Walt . . .

WW: (Talking to Eliot) Last night you said you and Gretchen were going to make love for hours while I sat alone and thought about the past. What you don't know is that after Gretchen was done going through the motions with you she came to Heisenberg's and went through the motions again with me. We made love for hours, but I could tell she was thinking about you and Gray Matter the whole time. Every time she climaxed she kept moaning for more, and saying, "Gray Matter! Gray Matter! Gray Matter!" That's when I realized how important your work really is, Eliot. It's what Gretchen wanted to tell me all along.

EL: Thanks, Walt. And welcome back to the fight! This time I know our side will win. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to board the airplane and look for an air sickness bag.

GL: Walt, how could you? Last night we said . . .

WW: Last night we said a great many things. But before that, before you and I made love for hours, I had time to sit in the dark and think. I thought about killing Tuco, and Crazy Eight, and Gus Fring. I thought about being the one who knocks, and being in the empire business. And it all adds up to one thing, you getting on that plane with Eliot.

GL: But I don't want him. I want you! Just like last night, Walter, I want to make love to you over and over . . .

WW: You've got to get on that plane, Gretchen! Look, I'm not much good at being noble, but I do know a few things about addiction. If you don't leave now you'll become an addict, only you'll be addicted to me instead of truth and justice. And when the thrill wears off you'll hate me, just like that bitch Skyler. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon . . . and for the rest of your life. Isn't it better to save America from Trump than to become the sex slave of a man who's sold his soul? Eliot's not like me. He's a nice guy. And he's powerless without you. That's what you told me last night . . . before we made love.

GL: (Sadly) When I said I would never leave you.

WW: And you never will. Here's looking at you, kid.

SAUL GOODMAN: Whoa! Talk about chemistry. Did you see Gretchen's face when she climbed aboard the plane? I know a little about women, my friend. She left . . . but she was thinking of you. And speaking of steaming pussies, here comes your brutal brother-in-law, Major Hank Schrader of the Fourth Reich no less. Some stupid jerk must have tipped him off!

HANK SCHRADER: Radio tower! Stop that plane! Walt, what the hell are you doing here?

WALTER WHITE: Put down that phone, Hank. I was ready to shoot Saul and I'm ready to shoot you.

HS: (Sneering as he goes for his gun) Don't make me laugh, Walt. The only shooting you do is into a Kleenex!

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

JACK THE NAZI: What the hell's going on here? Hank Schrader's dead, his guts full of lead. Who started this party?

SAUL GOODMAN: Major Schrader has been shot. (A very powerful split-second pause, where Saul and Walter White look at each other, each taking the full measure of the other.) Round up the usual suspects!

JACK: You heard the man! Round up some poor Mexicans!

WW: Are those guys really with the DEA?

SG: Well, you know, this is Trump's America. Speaking of that, Walt, maybe you should leave Albuquerque for a while.

WW: Wait a minute, Saul. You still owe me ten thousand dollars.

SG: Well, actually, you owe me ten thousand, because you bet that Hank would shoot Eliot Lazlo in his face . . . but then you helped the guy escape. With the woman you love!

WW: It was the right thing to do. Just like turning Heisenberg's over to Todd and Lydia and Jesse. It's their place now. And ten thousand dollars should be enough to pay our way down to Mexico. I hear there's a cartel chief down there looking for a top chef.

SG: Hey, I'm a lawyer, Walt! Why do you need me?

WW: Because once we get down there we can make billions, billions with a B! And after that I'm going to need a smart lawyer to help me figure out American campaign law, so I can run for President.

SG: You want to run for President of the United States? A lowlife with no morality at all, a sleazy liar with tons of dirty money who openly associates with criminal scum? Yeah, I guess it makes sense. All right, I'm in! But why are you smiling, Walt?

WW: My old partner Gale Boetticher said it best. I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship!

(The two men walk into the fog together, and the music rises in glorious crescendo as we FADE OUT)


End file.
